76: Hold On to Who You Are | Build a Rule of Life

As a little girl, around preschool age, I had a favorite outfit. If you spend any sort of significant time with children that age, you know that this is a pretty typical thing. A child finds a favorite shirt, pair of shoes, dress, hat, costume, you name it, and they insist on wearing it as much and as often as possible.

For me, my favorite outfit of choice was a Minnie Mouse dress - you know the one. Red dress, white polka dots, big, puffy short sleeves and a white Peter Pan collar. I don’t really remember being a huge Minnie Mouse fan as a kid, but I do remember wearing this dress like it was my uniform. No matter the occasion, as long as it was relatively clean (or even if it wasn’t, for that matter), you could confidently bet I was wearing that dress.

That is, of course, until I outgrew it. That day was obviously inevitable, but as a little kid, I remember the moment I understood it no longer fit. Though my parents might beg to differ, I think I handled it about as well and maturely as any kid that age is capable of. My favorite dress had served me well for a season, but I was growing, and it was time to find something that might be a better fit.

It’s true for an outfit, and it’s also true for a routine, schedule, potential commitment or opportunity: it’s important to make sure those things actually fit. Because in life, something might seem great in theory, or on paper, or hanging on the metaphorical hanger, but once we actually try it on and engage it and put it into practice, we just might find we’ve outgrown it and might need to adjust. Especially as we continue to grow as people of faith. And as we continue on in today’s episode, I think it’s important to keep that in mind.

Today, we’re talking about crafting a Rule of Life. The term and idea has been around for centuries, most commonly as a part of monastic communities. And while a communal Rule of Life is a beautiful thing and might be something worth exploring in your congregation or community, the truth is, the concept can also be helpful and life-giving for each of us as people who desire a deeper awareness of God’s presence in our lives and as we seek to become the people God is calling us to be.

However, if we’re honest, for many of us, the idea of a “rule” can feel a bit too structured, strict, or inflexible. That might be why sometimes, people choose to call it a Rhythm or a Way rather than a Rule. We don’t want to be trapped by it. But a Rule of Life isn’t meant to be constricting; it’s meant to help us grow.

In his book, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer describes a Rule of Life this way:

“The word rule comes from the Latin word regula, which literally means ‘a straight piece of wood,’ (think: ruler), but it was also used for a trellis. Think of Jesus’ teaching on abiding in the vine from John 15, one of his most important teachings on emotional health and spiritual life. Now think of a pleasant wine-tasting memory. What’s underneath every thriving vine? A trellis. A structure to hold up the vine so it can grow and bear fruit.”

John Mark continues,

“What a trellis is to a vine, a rule of life is to abiding. It’s a structure—in this case a schedule and set of practices—to set up abiding as the central pursuit of your life. It’s a way to organize all of your life around the practice of the presence of God, to work and rest and play and eat and drink and hang out with your friends and run errands and catch up on the news, all out of a place of deep, loving enjoyment of [God’s] company.

If a vine doesn’t have a trellis, it will die. And if your life with Jesus doesn’t have some kind of structure to facilitate health and growth, it will wither away.”

In remind{h}er 75, we talked about the importance of holding on to who we are in Christ when life feels wobbly and unsteady. If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, I encourage you to in order to help give this episode better context. Part of what we considered was how paying attention to and being aware of our core values and vital behaviors (ie: how we were created) can remind us that, even in the midst of the wobble, we are held by God, tight and secure.

And ultimately those core values and vital behaviors are one part of a larger whole: a rule of life. Regardless of what you’d like to call it, it’s a basic life-framework that helps to keep us focused and on track, that helps us hold on to who we are as we grow more deeply aware of God’s presence and activity in our daily lives. And as we continue to become the people God is calling us to be, it’s a fluid routine and schedule that can grow and change as we do.

Quick sidenote: Everything I share here was influenced by several people I’ve had the opportunity to learn from, including Tim Keel, Emily Freeman, Keas Keasler, and MaryKate Morse. While I hope to share from my experience, these ideas are certainly not my own!

So, what might it look like to build your very own Rule of Life?

The first thing to note echoes what I mentioned in the beginning of the episode: you get to try it on for size and make sure it fits. So the first “draft” you craft is one you might try out for a set amount of time (usually anywhere from several weeks to a few months) and then make adjustments as you see fit. You really do want to give it a chance before you convince yourself it doesn’t work for you; discerning and developing a Rule or Rhythm takes time.

For instance, the first time I wrote a Rule of Life for myself, I tried it out for three months. It turns out, some of the practices I found challenging in the beginning (ie: an earlier wake up time) ended up being practices that grew easier over time and that I still practice today. Additionally, I ended up realizing some of the practices I thought were so “me” in the beginning (ie: silence in the car during my morning commute), really weren’t that helpful or life-giving over time, so I dropped them at the end of the three months. Full disclosure: at the time of this recording, I wrote my first Rule of Life about a year and half ago, and I’ve already had to make significant tweaks three separate times for various reasons. All that to say,  keep in mind that “structured” does not necessarily mean “set-in-stone.”

Once you’ve decided on the timeframe or “trial period” for your Rule of Life, you’ll want to keep your core values and vital behaviors top of mind. Remember, those are values and practices that you must hold onto in order to be who you are. They are the foundation and will probably inform the rest of your Rule practices.

Once those core values and vital behaviors are set, you’ll then want to list out specific practices according to frequency: so daily practices, weekly practices, monthly practices, and annual practices might be a good way to organize everything to begin with. You will probably find that your Daily Practices list is much longer than your Annual Practices list, and that’s just because daily practices happen more often. It’s okay for these lists to be uneven. No worries.

Daily practices might include setting your alarm for a certain time so you are able to read or write or pray or drink your coffee in silence before the day really gets going. It might include spending 30 minutes outside each day, or going on a walk, exercising, checking in with a roommate, spouse, or family member, or cooking a meal. It could also include limits, like only watching 30 minutes of the news cycle each day or putting your phone up at a certain time each night. It could even include something as mundane as doing the dishes. You get to decide.

Weekly practices might include a weekly Sabbath, not setting an alarm one morning each week, turning off email and/or social media one day a week, having a date night or night out with friends, FaceTiming with out-of-town family, participating in corporate worship, serving at your church or in your community in some capacity, writing handwritten notes to loved ones, or watching a certain show or listening to a certain podcast.

Monthly practices might include spending a day each month outside of your zip code, participating in a service project, taking a trip to your local library, meeting with a spiritual director, meeting with a counselor, participating in advocacy work in your community, or donating monthly to an organization of your choice.

And finally, annual practices might include a solid vacation, a check-up at the doctor, cleaning out your closet, or scheduling a personal reflection retreat, just to name a few.

If you haven’t noticed already, beginning to build a rule of life simply means that you pay attention to and notice what you’re already doing. Then, you add and/or subtract based on what feels life-giving, what is draining, and what is necessary regardless. As you are deciding if something fits, a good question to consider might be, “What are your regular practices or habits and how are they contributing to or hindering you from growth in Christ?”

Building a Rule of Life begins with, in the words of Frederick Buechner, “listening to your life.” It’s intentionally noticing what you do and how you live, so that you are better able to consider how God might be present and meeting you in the middle of it all. It’s routine and structure that grounds us, that acts as a trellis and supports us as we grow in life and in faith.

Today, remember to hold on to who you are in Christ by building your very own Rule of Life. May we each learn to listen to our lives and pay attention to the ways God meets us right where we are. May we not be afraid to try something new, to give something up, and to be who we are. May we find a Rule that fits.

CLICK HERE to view my original Rule of Life.